Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I just received the official application for Barkley (you are accepted and then you fill out the application). For your reading pleasure, here is the application. I will post my essay soon.

Do Not Read This!
(Okay, go right ahead, but don’t say I didn’t warn you)

Official Entry Form: Barkley 100 Mile

What is it you are looking for in a race? Do you want huge crowds of gushing admirers? How about sumptuous aid stations, with a huge selection of goodies? Do you want to succeed and think of yourself as god-like? Maybe you want sympathy and consolation in the event you should fall short? Perhaps you are seeking well-marked, broad, and smooth footpaths? You might even be seeking an event where your pacer can hold your little hand and coax you thru the rough spots?
Then throw this away and take the Barkley off your race list.

On the other hand, if you are looking for a racing experience that has been compared to being punched in the face for 60 hours, if you truly desire to be bruised, cut, battered, and left to lonesome hopelessness, on godforsaken trails in the middle of no-where, in the middle of the night, this might be the ticket. If you dream of clinging to a rocky hillside in pitch black darkness and/or impenetrable fog, in a freezing downpour, listening to your teeth chatter and wondering exactly where in the hell you are, then this might be just the race for you. If you want to return home to scorn from so-called trail runners without the nads to even read this entry form, you are on the right track. If you want to don your race-shirt at the next event, and have other runners move away from you, for fear they will be contaminated, this is definitely something to consider.

So check your britches, and if you think you see a pair of size XL, stainless steel nads, then go ahead and fill this out and send it in. Then pray that your number don’t come up.

If it does come up, you better go get you some big-boy pants. You’re gonna need ‘em.
Date: furnished with your acceptance.
Time: announced by a conch shell blast, one hour in advance.
Location: Frozen Head State Park
Time Limit: 60 hours for the 100 mile men's race
40 hours for the 60 mile fun run (women, children, and wimps)
No: GPS, Pacers, Caching.
Layout: 20 mile loop.
Aid: Water Drops at 8 and 13 miles each loop. Your Car at the start/finish.
Net altitude change: 0 feet (0 meters)
Expected weather: temperatures between 0 and 85 degrees (f). Probable fog, rain, sleet, snow, hail, or high winds. Possibly all of the above. Possibly all within the same loop.
Application fee: $1.60 (non-refundable), and an essay on "Why I should be allowed to run the Barkley"
Entry Fee: Virgins- a License Plate from your home State or Country
Veterans (various dnf's)- a good pair of socks
Alumni-(see below*)- a pack of Camel Filter Cigarettes (regular)
Pre-race Meal: Chicken BBQ . We provide digitally prepared BBQ Chicken & paper plates. Side Items pot-luck. Bring your own beverages. You will never find chicken like this anywhere else.
Awards: after 5 loops, you don't have to go back out.
Requirements: No children, they are too small. No women, they are too soft. No Yankees, we don't want them buried here. No soccer fans, soccer sucks. No Wimps, Worms, Slugs, or Weenies, because they don’t got what it takes.
How to Find Frozen Head: You are kidding, right? If you can’t even find the park on your own, then what chance do you think you have during the race?
* the Barkley Marathons 100 Mile Alumni are: Brian Robinson (Class of ’08),
Mike Tilden (’04), Jim Nelson (’04), Ted "Cave Dog" Kaiser ('03), Blake Wood ('01), David Horton ('01), Mark Williams ('95)

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Name:______________________________________ Age:________(Plutonian years)
Weight:______(Jovian lbs)

Street___________________________________ Hat Size:________

City ______________________________________ Favorite Parasite:
Nation/Zip_________________________________ Next of kin:

I really want to run the Barkley. I have been warned how hard it is. I have been warned that I am entirely responsible for my own safety and well being. I know that I might get hurt out there, but I promise to do everything possible to make my adventure a safe one. I agree to accept the decision of race management, should they deem me unfit to continue. And I agree to reimburse all expenses, should a search or rescue be required on my behalf. If I am stupid enough to attempt the Barkley, I deserve to be held responsible for any result of that attempt, be it financial, physical, mental, or any thing else.



Please note that this form has not been designed to fit evenly on any printer. And the content is subject to being deleted, appended, or altered at any time without notice.
Also note that the Runner Data Sheet contains trick questions, and those with incorrect answers are subject to public ridicule.

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1 comment:

Peter Lubbers said...

Congrats, I guess?
Looking forward to seeing your name on the alumni list! And, make sure you post your essay on the blog!